Transcribed by the editor, with apologies for any remaining errors.
“Greece, meet me at camera 3. Hey, what’s up. It’s me, Jon. I think I know what your problem is, Greece. Your Greek spirit is caught in a battle of duality, torn between the aggression and tenacity of the Spartans [The 300] versus the wisdom and sophis- tication and hospitality of the Athenians [Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure], an epic struggle between Sparta and Athens, a profound 3,000-year internal struggle that we here in America have interpreted through our experience at diners and this guy [Jim Belushi in Animal House]. Boy, how is it we don’t know much about world history? But Greece, to solve this you must overcome your duality. Right now, with the hitting the police with clubs and yoghurt, you’re a little too Spartan. Retiring at 53 with almost full pay, a little too Plato’s Retreaty. But I know you can strike this balance between austerity and hedonism.
I’m going to tell you a little story that I think you might find a propos.
One day, a god named Zeus looked down upon the people of earth from Olympus and thought [Jon speaks in deep “Zeus” voice] “I will turn myself into a bull.” Then as a bull he went down amongst the humans and f***ed a spider, and that is why, today, we have cocoanuts.
You know who came up with that? You did.