Report of the Resolutions Committee from the 83rd Annual Convention

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By lkoelle on January 4, 2012. No Comments

There are more sayings about Texas than
there are counties in Delaware. The place
is like a letter of Seneca, it’s so full of apophthegmata.
Some, such as former governor
George W. Bush, say “Disciplina praesidium
civitatis,” or “Discipline is the defense of
the state.” Others say, “Noli vexare Texiam,”
or “Don’t mess with Texas.” Still others
chant, “Astra nocte magna clara, umbilico
Texiae.” Even in the first century before
the common era, the Roman orator Cicero
often used the phrase, “O Texia, O Mores.”
Yet, perhaps the most famous sententia de
Texia is “Omnia maiora in Texia sunt,” or
“Everything’s bigger in Texas.” In the spirit
of gigantism, we on the resolutions committee
wish to present the following awards
for achievements at the 83rd Annual Convention
of ΗΣΦ in Austin, Texas.
The award for the largest Classics department
in the state of Texas goes to the
University of Texas at Au–Tyler, because
no one counts as a Classicist unless he or
she is wearing Graeco-Roman garb! We
do give an honorable mention to UT at
Austin for having its own building, or at
least two floors of a building. But careful,
Austin, as Pink Floyd taught us last night,
there are dangers in empire.
The Psave Pflugerville Pward goes to
Brook Youngblood and the local committee
of the Gamma Sigma chapter. The
resolutions committee noted Ms. Youngblood’s
calm and clear rhetoric and the patience
of the other members of the chapter,
who were able to put up with so many dang
yankees who think they know everything
but cannot follow even the simplest directions.
The Gamma Sigma chapter also won
the “Hands across Texas” award for the
biggest cross-campus lineup.
In the category of finest cuisine, third
place goes to Sixth Street, for proving that
a city can never have too many bars on one
street. Second place goes to Guadalupe
Street for proving that Veggie Haven, Rasta
Pasta, and even the Medicis can get along!
And the first prize goes to Ilan Gonzalez
Hirsh…no, no, no. The first prize goes to
the University of Texas food service, for
proving that anything can be a burrito!
The recipient of this award hails from
the agora of Bentonville, Arkansas, the
commercial center of the empire, which
lies on the isthmus of Arkansas between
Fayetteville and Bella Vista, where the
inhabitants are known for their sesquipedalian
grunts and procrustean caves and
the genitive of τὸ γράμμα and words in
Greek and Latin that are not related by
their common Indo-European heritage.
Yes, it’s Dr. Daniel Levine. Even the certamen
questions are bigger in Texas.
The award for the best exhibition of
modern art goes to the guy at the rave on
the mall with the t-shirt that read “Pardon
me for Partying.” The Blanton Museum
of Art was a close second for its display of
bones on the ceiling and coins on the floor.
The award for the weirdest but most artistic
clothing accessory goes to the fanny
pack of Austin.
And the award for the best dagger
cookie for the Ides of March goes to all
delegates from all chapters. But remember,
a big dagger cookie is just a big dagger
And the award for keeping Austin
weird (Serva Austinem Miram) goes to the
officers. Really. I mean, how else do you
win a certamen about Classical facts in a
room of Classical scholars?
And everything is bigger in Texas,
except the officers. Four officers were sitting
around a campfire, out on a lonesome
Texas prairie, each with the bravado for
which officers are famous. A night of tall
tales begins. David leaned back and hooked
his thumbs in his suspenders. “Once, I
sight-read Catullus 85 without a dictionary.”
Rena guffawed. “That’s nothin’” she said,
stirring the fire, “Once, I correctly identified
the significance of 323 B.C. before
thousands of adoring Classicists.” “You ain’t
got nothing on me,” Maria declaimed, “I
composed four hundred lines of Sapphic
strophes, wrote it on some old papyrus I
had hanging around and sold it as an original
to the University of Texas at Austin’s
Classics department for their whole endowment.”
Theo just sat silently by the way, half
hidden in shadow, stirring the fire with the
key to the main gate of Atlantis.
Even the papers are bigger in Texas
The award for the best bromance goes to
Stephen Margheim of Gamma Omega for
his paper on Horace and Vergil. The award
for the best Sicilian expedition after Nicias
and Athens v. Sparta goes to Ashley Young
of Gamma Upsilon for her study of mythology
in colonial Sicily. And the award for
the best talking infant goes to that E-trade
baby whose existence would have blown
Augustine’s mind.
The awards for the most Classic
personae in Austin go to Dr. Timothy
Moore, sponsor of the Gamma Sigma
Chapter, Dr. Stephen White, Chair of the
Department of Classics, and the rest of the
faculty of the department for their support
of the convention. We couldn’t have done
it without you. Keep Austin Classic!
And finally, we on the resolutions committee
move that the award for the best
convention ever held outside the borders of
the United States of America goes to the
83rd Annual convention held in Austin,
Texas, March 25–27, 2011. All those in
favor, please respond by saying Yippie
Ki Yay.
The Members of the Resolutions Committee,
representing the Epsilon, Alpha Lambda,
Beta Psi, Gamma Omicron, Delta Theta, Eta
Delta chapters